I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
