Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
