Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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