You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
