Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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