my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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