He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
