Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
