What did we do last night that was yellow?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
