On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
