Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
