Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
