You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
