the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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