i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
