My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
