If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
