textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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