yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I'm passing your future prison.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
