i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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