paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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