imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
