You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
