Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Sober January is a disaster.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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