I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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