No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
