Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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