I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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