So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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