You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
