You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
