I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
