Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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