You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
