We're facebook friends in real life
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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