I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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