If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
