how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
