i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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