Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
