Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
