i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
