btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
