Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
