my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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