i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
