I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
