i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
