We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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