if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
